Weenie the Holy Vessel Returns

Six years ago, I started this blog. I was waiting for my oldest to be born. I was absolutely full to the brim of parenting ideals. Then she arrived, in a completely different way than I expected or planned, and I was plunged into a nightmare of sleep deprivation and severe post-partum depression. I had another baby. I tried to unalive myself. We moved into a 750-square-foot converted garage at my grandma's house. A pandemic happened. We had another baby. I got on antidepressants and birth control. I vowed up and down that I could NOT have another baby, another baby would break me, absolutely not. 

And then I had another baby.

"Oh yeah, that happens some times," the unhelpful OBGYN hand-waved when I found out. "Birth control is 99% effective, but some people are just extra fertile."

YOU DON'T SAY, SIR.

So, it's been six years, one move, multiple job changes, a pandemic, and four babies. I have spent almost my entire marriage pregnant. I'm not the same person I was when I started this blog. I'm more flexible. Dumber. Wayyyy less idealistic and principled. Basically, I went full Weenie. Very little Holy left. (And, if the surgery takes, no more vessel either.) 

I think I want to start blogging about it again, though. I miss sharing my thoughts and I think being the mom to four kids six and under is inherently pretty hilarious.

I don't feel ugly inside any more. I don't feel ashamed, at least most days. I want to connect with people. I want to be a person.

I want to write it all down.